Archive for the ‘B-Movie Beatdown’ Category

The ruthless Nine Devil gang intercept a shipment of gold bullion near a small village and decide to kill all its inhabitants in the most gruesome ways imaginable. One of the men, Ah Tien (Lo Rei), escapes along with the women and children into the mountains where they encounter a wandering monk who teaches the nomads the secret art of Shaolin Chastity Kung Fu (Ton Zi Kung). Training complete, Ah Tien leads the baby warriors into a bizarre battle against the Nine Devils. Seventy minutes of totally insane fight action - a must see!

As always, Free Admission and Popcorn & Refreshments for purchase!

A coming-of-age tale with a twist, Teeth takes a novel approach towards teen sexual angst. Sunny blonde Dawn (Jess Weixler, a Meryl Streep in the making) promotes abstinence at her high school. Her mother (Vivienne Benesch) is terminally ill, her half-brother (Nip/Tuck’s John Hensley) is a tattooed sociopath, and her stepfather (Lenny von Dohlen) does what he can to keep the household together. When Dawn meets doe-eyed transfer student Tobey (Hale Appleman), her celibacy vow is put to the test. Simultaneously, she starts to realize her anatomy differs from other girls. Though Dawn’s Austin environs recall the serene suburbs of Donnie Darko–except for the ominous smokestacks behind the family’s ranch house–her secret power brings her closer in line with Carrie. It’s a particularly feminine capability. When Carrie felt threatened, she used her mind as a weapon. In Dawn’s case, a certain physical anomaly comes into play: the vagina dentata of ancient mythology (Camille Paglia, author of Sexual Personae, served as a consultant on the film). At first, Dawn has no control over the situation and, like De Palma’s anti-heroine, she’s horrified. But actor-turned-director Mitchell Lichtenstein (Ang Lee’s The Wedding Banquet), son of artist Roy Lichtenstein, ends his debut on a very different note. Along the way, there’s satiric humor, squirm-inducing gore, and a star-making turn from Weixler, recipient of a special prize at Sundance for her “jaw-dropping performance.” Teeth is neither anti-male nor anti-female–as some detractors have claimed–but it’s definitely not for the squeamish or irony-impaired. –Kathleen C. Fennessy

As always, Free Admission and Popcorn & Refreshments for purchase!

“Ami (Minase Yashiro, in her film debut) is a tough but otherwise average high school girl, trying to lead a normal life. Her world comes crashing down when her brother and his friend are killed by ruthless bullies. As Ami tracks down the ringleader, she is surprised to discover the bullies’ association with a sinister ninja yakuza family. When she goes after her revenge, she soon finds herself in over her head and minus her left arm. Barely surviving, Ami escapes and seeks out shelter from two kindly garage mechanics. They take pity on her, fitting her with a high-powered machine gun where her arm used to be. She then teams up with the chainsaw-wielding mother (Asami) of her brother’s slain friend and together they unleash an unholy, non-stop, over-the-top kill fest against the equally creative machinery (drill bra, flying guillotine) of their relentless ninja enemies.”
I mean seriously, do I need to say anything else? We’ve been waiting to screen this movie at the Beatdown for MONTHS! If you miss this one, you’ll probably lock yourself into a dark room and cry for at least a few days. Don’t screw the pooch, get to this Beatdown.

As always, Free Admission and Popcorn & Refreshments for purchase!

Thursday, March 2nd at Replay…Animation Night takes over the B-Movie Beatdown!!

We’re going to be screening “Mutant Aliens” from Bill Plympton, America’s most prolific independant animator! If Bill ever made a film that invites audience participation, this is the one!

“An astronaut left in space returns after 20 years . . . with a VENGEANCE! This film has it ALL: Endearing Aliens, Astronaut Heroes, Beautiful Women, Corporate Secret Societies, and Explosions . . . many, many explosions! This animated feature will be the cutest invasion ever to strike your shelves!”

Show starts at 8:30p.m. (and if you’re really nice, I’ll even throw in a cartoon before the movie).

We’re watching the Jenna Jameson horror film ‘Evil Breed’ right now, where are you? Samhain, Cannibals, a bunch of stupid oversexed teenagers that you just love to hate, and Jenna Jameson. What’s not to love? Hell, if gambling wasn’t illegal, we’d be taking bets on who gets gorked first.

Holy Crap! Would the Replay be so crass as to make fun of a movie starring a deceased tabloid & porn queen? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS WE WOULD CHACHIE!

That’s right kids, the Replay is getting ready to make fun of the softer, more innocent time, and smaller breasted time of Anna Nichole Smith. Get your asses in here to see what three bimbo aliens can do to save the world! Or at least save us the trouble trying to imagine it ;D

From the back cover: “Charlies Angels” goes sci-fi, with a touch of “Men In Black” thrown in for good measure, when three aliens morph into super-hot babes and arrive to protect the earth from the intergalactic forces of evil. Guided by Syntax, their holographic mentor, these Illegal Aliens are willing to use every trick in the book and every sexy outfit in their wardrobe to accomplish their mission!

As always, this is a free event, 18 years and up only. We’ll see you there!

Alright you horror movie junkies, get your arse down The Replay to check out another B-Movie Beatdown! Slug down some Monsters and eat some Popcorn, becasue you might not last the night with this week’s feature: Creepies!

We’re not even going to tell you what it’s about. You’ll have to come and see it for yourself! WAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

“If you dont have a taste for “bad movies” then skip this movie. But if you love movies like Terror Toons, Drainiac(s), Killjoy, Asylum of the dead etc… THIS MOVIE MUST BE IN YOUR LIBRARY. It is one of the best “Worst” movies ever created. It is a cinematic failure of catastrophic proportions. Cheesy special effects, unexplainably rediculous lines like, “Ive seen alot of things in my day, but NEVER have i seen a military instalation full of spiderwebs!” and so on. This movie is pure comedy from begining to end. On the other hand it is a tad long for some reason but it is shocking from begining to end. Again, realisticly this is not a good movie. But for those of you who love to watch cheesy horror movies (although i wouldent consider this horror) your collection would be lonely without this movie. Absolutely Hilarious.” - Human Patch Office “Obscervient”

The B-Movie Beatdown is Back!!!!! Get ready, you Popcorn munching, Mountain Dew chugging, Movie Critiquing, Zombie Loving, Horror Movie Nuts, because the best time on Thursday night that doesn’t involve alcohol and a baseball bat is back!!!! B-Movie Beatdown, every Thursday at 8:30. Write that down whino, and don’t ever forget it! We’ve got a new soundsystem and the projector up for maximum movie bashing enjoyment! Don’t forget Popcorn, an expanded beverage cooler selection, and the worst movies that you love to hate on! And don’t forget, it’s FREE! So get your ass in here to see this weeks opener, which is none other than “Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid”

“So here’s the deal: A bunch of sassy scientific types, who all look as though they’ve spent just as much time lifting barbells as they have beakers, head out into Borneo to find some rare flower that’s the “pharmaceutical equivalent to the fountain of youth”–and end up dodging the digestive system of several mutant snakes during mating season. You gotta hate when that happens. If you don’t, you soon will, because this in-name-only sequel to Anaconda, 1997’s now seminal guilty pleasure, is proof that more does not necessarily mean merrier. The thing isn’t even good-bad; it’s cheap and completely unmemorable even as popcorn fodder. Director Dwight Little and his posse of his screenwriters have neither the budget nor the imagination to come on like a rip-snorting Aliens clone–it’s pretty much one snake at a time, and frankly more concerned with the conniving British baddie (Matthew Marsden) who really, really wants that orchid. The cast of no-names is destined to remain that way, although the chiseled Johnny Messner, as a rugged jungle guide, provides a few hoots in his laughably stoic attempt at Vin Diesel-dom. It’s hard to determine who you’d like eaten first.” - Steve Wiecking

“Big snakes, annoying characters getting eaten and loads of hokum. What more do you want in a horror film/creature-feature? Money well spent and a solid 97 minutes worth of entertainment. Just switch off your brain and watch the delightful silliness unfold.” - By Dave Thomson